No Anti-psychotics, all the rest: anti-depressant, mood stabiliser
I have a clean flat. There is a reason for this, apart from the flat I tidied it up. A psychological reason.
This morning, sitting drinking my tea, I played the imagination game. I talk to myself a bit like I would were I writing a journal. The sort of thing I always used to scribble. Usually around desire: what I wanted. A way of imagining possibility and change.
I was fantasising about what I would do if I got eight thousand pounds. My ex recently received a tax rebate for this sum. It was a mistake, that he had to pay back in small amounts, but he’d managed to spend the lump sum on stuff he needed. A large interest free loan.
My imaginings circulated around Toast. All the stuff I would get. A lot of dresses. Shoes. Falke tights. Underwear.
This left me feeling a bit empty and frustrated. A bit poor. I had to reason with myself. We’re I to buy even one dress I would have so little money I would feel awful for the next two weeks. I would be in a constant state of worry. I wouldn’t buy the food I wanted and need. I wouldn’t feel good at all. So I decided to dream the dream onwards, as they say in Jungian circles. I asked myself what next? Imagine I have all the clothes strewn about in my bedroom. What do I become?
I went blank for a while. I thought about living somewhere else, but this didn’t really generate any imagery. I decided that as a result of having all these beautiful new things my place would be really clean and tidy. I didn’t give myself reasons. Would you drink tea and coffee? I said. Tea, not coffee, I replied. So that is what I proceeded to do: make my place clean and tidy and drink tea but not coffee. The result was that I felt a lot better than I have been feeling. I had to reason that perhaps this is what my fantasy about Toast clothing symbolised. Newness. Cleanliness. Fresh ness. I can honestly report that since I’ve achieved these tasks I no longer crave these things I can’t afford.
This exercise springs from my reading in Jungian psychology. There’s a Jungian author and analyst, living in New York, called Michael Vannoy Adams. He’s written a book called The Mythological Unconscious. He’s says, in this book, that the analysts job is to analyse the patients unconscious in dreams and fantasy. He records a clinical vignette in which this patient he has dreams of Nike yellow shorts. He get the patient to explore the significance of the shorts by asking her what she would be able to do if she wore the shorts. That’s what gave me the idea for the active imagination I engaged in with the Toast stuff. Jungian analysts point to the teleological function of psychic imagery — dreams and fantasy. It take the person forward. Helps them to become the potential they have inside them.