The upward trajectory continues.
Yesterday was quite emotional for me because I ran into my ex on the high street. I was going to just walk straight past without saying hello, half pretending I had not seen him, but he caught my eye after calling out my nick-name, so I had to say hello. He gave me a slightly sad, imploring sort of glance at the prospect of missing the opportunity to say hello. This expression re-ignited all my affection for him and haunted me for the rest of the day.
The reason I ignored him, or tried to, is because he has told me he can’t meet me for coffee because he is depressed. “But I’m available on text and phone,” he assured me. What he means is, I can call him, but he won’t call me. Because I am the glue that held our friendship together, we are now drifting apart. I fell sad about that. It has meant that I am processing another layer of grief over the loss of our relationship, which I wasn’t really expecting.
So yesterday I was dealing with that. But by evening — curled up in front of the Walter Presents thriller I have been watching for a couple of days — it had passed. It actually dissipated and I felt thrillingly free. A freedom that I have not experienced since we broke up. So perhaps my efforts to maintain a friendship were not the best idea after all.
Today I have been quite active, taking my walk to the supermarket, which takes a good forty minutes; sitting in a local cafe reading; and I went for a cycle along the nature reserve beside the river. I cleaned and tidied and went through some information about local volunteer jobs, finding one that could lead to work, at a local community mental health organisation.
All of this activity has made me feel more optimistic. That I am embarking on a new chapter, having something to offer this new community I find myself in that sometimes feels like the middle of nowhere. The feelings of being stuck are starting to come undone.