Freedoms

MORE ON LETTING GO

I’m still struggling to get over my ex. I still scan the street for his car whenever I go out the front door. I used to see him all the time on the high street, when he lived in town. These sightings are less frequent now. But not seeing him does make things a bit easier. On Friday, when he got in touch, he told me the village he now lives in is a “Goldfish bowl.” Then again, he used to say that about our town.

On top of the fact that I’m hanging a difficulty letting go, I’m also down on myself about my state of mind. I keep throwing up my hands in despair — not this again. It was bad enough when I was seeing him. Can’t I appreciate the freedom from my stress?

I do appreciate it. But my mind continues to not catch up with reality. I’m haunted, and I don’t believe in ghosts. Memories. Memories. Memories: His ghostly self walking up to the street towards me; trips to the beach, driving about in his black Seat,my phone constantly pinging with his messages, the gifts he bought me. I’ll remember our first coffee; how I couldn’t believe how much we had in common. Even Bipolar disorder.

Today, on the walk to the shop, I was going over the things I could have done differently. It could have worked out: I should have been less clingy, more busy, less jealous; I ought to have been cool; If only I’d caused less drama; tried harder to set boundaries. I was feeling frustrated with myself. Then I thought about the AA take on such situations — God’s will. I tried praying, even though I don’t believe in God: “Dear God, please take away these thoughts about T.”

That didn’t work, just as I suspected. Then I got a different idea, and started to pray to I don’t know what, but for him: “Dear Higher Self, please make sure T is happy today. Give him fulfilling work, help him to enjoy being a father. Help him to set boundaries with his horrible family. Let home create a nice home for himself. Allow him to feel at peace. Give him the strength to take regular exercise.”

Remarkably my mood changed. I felt free of my obsession. I was able to do something. I didn’t feel stuck. The one track record in my brain altered course. Next I imagined ‘sharing’ at my local meeting tomorrow night: “Praying works!” I’d announce. Then I remembered that in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous it does specify that we should not pray for ourselves only. That we should pray for “Knowledge of God’s will for us and the power to carry it out.” Well, I didn’t pray for that, but in praying for T, I managed to side-step my self-centredness and actually feel like I was doing something for him. I used to enjoy doing things for him. Having someone to care about.

BIPOLAR SPENDING SPREES

A couple of days ago I was writing about spending and trying to resist getting myself some expensive sunglasses. Today I had a brainwave and went into the local pharmacy and bought myself some £20 aviator sunglasses. They look OK, and don’t constantly slip done my nose. Also, I realised I don’t like wearing expensive sunglasses. They make me feel stupid, like a poseur, because I’m poor. If I were rich, fine, wear Chanel sunglasses. Otherwise, just don’t. Guilt is not a nice feeling and should be avoided where possible.

Published by unipolar2

I’m a writer living in Wales

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