I’m still watching the Walter Presents TV program Rider in the Storm. It’s a pretty intense series. Last night it was very sad, as one of the main characters took his own life. He walked in front of a lorry as he was depressed and psychotic. His death cast a very large shadow over the drama. It made me reflect on grief and mental illness. It made me feel sad to see the devastation of loss on his family. It made me think about loosing my mum in 2012.
I’ve had a very painful couple of weeks. This situation relates to how I’m feeling as a member of a particular community I depend on to stay alive. I feel excluded, pushed out, sidelined and unhappy about this community at the moment. The feelings of anger, despair and confusion have been quite hard to cope with. I’ve needed to start attending an online 12th Step meeting daily to cope.
Last night, after watching Rider in the Storm, I had a flash of insight. A bit like within the group I’m currently at odds with, I have not been able to connect to the love I felt for my mum, especially since she died. Nor have I been able to feel that she loved me. Part of the reason for this, if not the main reason, has been the attitudes toward me of a community of people that knew her and me for a very long time. The way I have felt in relation to these friends of my mother, as well as the immediate family she made for herself outside of our family unit, is exactly the way I am feeling in this community that has been causing me pain and grief for the last couple of weeks.
Last night, in re-connecting with the image of my mother as someone that I loved (after years), I found that the pain I’m feeling in relation to the difficulty, it went away. Then I realised that the local group creating tension in my psyche is so loaded because it’s triggering all this historical family and community strife. Once I realised it, I felt largely freed from the agony I’ve been in. The feeling of not being valued is exactly the same. Of being unwanted, not valued and bullied is the same.
It’s great to get some insight. It’s liberating. I realise that I need to use my therapy sessions to work through some of these feelings in relation to my mother and her community of friends. People I have found myself at loggerheads with. But most of all I need to reclaim my mother because all this disharmony and strife around her death cut me off from grieving her loss. In the feeling that she was, after all, my mother. I had something very valuable, and I lost her. And I miss her.
I had to laugh when the thought occurred to me that my mother would have really not liked these people I’m struggling with. Or some of them, at least. They would not have been her sort of people at all. She would have thoroughly disapproved, rightly or wrongly. They are just too straight, too ordinary and not exceptional enough for my mum, who was something of a blazing spirit. A trial blazer.
I felt her presence last night, wagging her finger and casting down her disapproval on these people that are upsetting me. I realised it isn’t me that dislikes them, it’s her! I felt her presence a bit like an angel swooping down by my side and telling me not to worry. That their opinion of me is really of no consequence. She sat beside me and comforted me like the mother I always wanted her to be.