I fell like absolute crap today. I’ve done everything I can to help myself: been for a walk, eaten, prayed and mediated, called a couple of friends (who weren’t available), asked for support with an issue I’m struggling with. So then I realised that the one thing I haven’t done is written my blog. Will that help, or is how I’m feeling today something I cannot change?
I have a feeling that what happened to me yesterday holds the key to how I’m feeling now.
Yesterday was deeply challenging. I went to my volunteer job in a local mental health drop in centre and had a bad experience almost immediately.
It was the anniversary of my mothers death. I’ve been putting various practices to try and create a healing space around my inner world as it relates to my deceased mother. I’ve been trying to provide myself with some comfort. One example being remembering positive experiences from childhood. I’ve written a couple of blog posts about this. I bought some things to create a little space of remembrance in my room: flowers, boxes for pictures of mum, an oil burner with lavender — a scent that she liked. I plan to visit her grave tomorrow with a friend, to tend it, and plant some new plants.
I spoke about all this in my therapy on Wednesday. It made me feel a bit unsure that I’m not discounting the reality of my experiences in some way: my mother treated me badly, abused me, neglected me and never stopped mistreating me for all of her time on earth. But still, I did love her. She was my mum.
Back at the drop in centre yesterday a hostile guy there causally mentioned that “that house”, meaning my mother’s house, had been sold. It would take to long too go into all the details surrounding this: the hostile guy, my mother’s house being sold, how I didn’t know about it, and so on. But it really was a shock to hear a near complete stranger tell me this, as though it really had nothing to do with me, as though I was on par with him, in hearing this news. It felt so toxic. That conversation.
The fact that my step father didn’t think to inform me he had sold my mothers house which he only owns because my mother didn’t leave a will and it defaulted to him when she died. He practically accosted me in the street to give me all sorts of information that isn’t especially my business any more, but didn’t think to tell me about something that definitely is my business.
I’m really angry about it. I have no way of contacting this man, and don’t even think it would probably be a good idea, if I did. I’ve had harassment and threats from this man and his new partner in the past over the issue of my inheritance. Getting in the ring with mad people is always a bad idea, I think. But maybe that’s wrong. Maybe I should confront him.
Had I had a responsible caring actual mother I would not be in this situation. None of the things that happened yesterday, a day that would have been difficult enough, would have happened were it not for my mother. That’s just a fact, and it means that I’m still experiencing toxic ramifications because of how she treated me. Including her death.
It’s like encountering evil spirits. Bad angels. The confusion, The gaslighting. More Gaslighting. Quite appropriate for approaching Halloween perhaps.
This isn’t my only difficulty at the moment. I’m lacking support in some challenging situations. I feel very weighted down. The weekend is looming. I must admit, I don’t really know what to do about my problems right now. They feel overwhelming and complicated and like there are no answers. Then again, maybe this is just how life is, often and sometimes, but I just never really understood and accepted it — Life on life’s terms.
Can I still be OK with me, even when other people are not OK with me? A few people have told me that this is a beneficial attitude, moving forward, I think they may be right.